meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
