420 ftw
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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