It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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