it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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