If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
