Redeem this text for a blowjob
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
