i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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