Already got asked if we're dating
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
