I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
