Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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