My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
its liver damage thursday
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
