if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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