Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
