trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the day after is always just damage control
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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