I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
