my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
