Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
