Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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