i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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