you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
