this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
