If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
