I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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