Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
