We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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