every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
