If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
