Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My life is pants optional.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
