I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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