If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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