new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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