so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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