dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
