I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
