dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
