dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
