I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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