I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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