two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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