If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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