I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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