Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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