i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
