Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
