The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
