I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
