Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
only you would photoshop your dick
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
