sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
