I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
