quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
