i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
