1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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