I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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