i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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