To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
