would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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