my mouth tastes like poor choices
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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