all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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